If you fill things up it is because they are empty

What do I mean by this? Ah, the usual moderately interesting psychological experience...

For example, recently 'Zen' has taken up residence in my brain again. As well as the practice of just sitting and letting body and mind drop away, I'm feeling an attraction to the wabi and the sabi and all that lovely Japanese culture dripping with the blood of Zen - the calligraphy and haiku and honkyoku, all the signs and symbols of Zen. My big black zafu squats on my floor, Dogen's essays and Basho's Narrow Road sit on the sofa. These things, for me, have a kind of fullness. Their appearance satisfies me. They promise something. They will be my travelmates on a journey to a richer life.

But then occasionally, as for example yesterday, a nausea overcomes me. The objects are suddenly exsanguinated of their meaning, and just as the sight of a corpse might suddenly shatter the youth's feeling of immortality, I am returned to the meaninglessness and futility of all things and the indifference of the world outside to my internal world. Actually it's similar to the experience I used to have sometimes in the days of girlfriends, of suddenly seeing - not as a result of jealousy or argument, but just a spontaneous flipping of perception - my beloved with utter detachment and indifference, just a person, barely a perrson. A skinsack.

It always fades, and I am soon back in the world of illusory fullness. In our impermanent non-selves, any object of attachment is an incompatible organ transplant which must inevitably face rejection. But the world is a donor of infinite generosity.

Stumbling along the eightfold path

Recently I have been re-engaging with Buddhism and trying to apply its teachings to my life. (I even started a couple of blogs on the subject but found I had nothing interesting to say). In many ways I have already stumbled a certain way along the eightfold path: my mind is empty most of the time, so when I meditate I am rarely troubled by the sorts of streams of thought that apparently bedevil other meditators; I have few worldy attachments, drives or desires that could bring me into conflict with other people; my livelihood is quite right; I have a shaved head...

But for me the important issue is, as ever, living with or without motivation and goals. If I am to follow the Boddhisattva ideal and strive to lead all living beings to enlightenment (in principle at least, since in practice it obviously ain't gonna happen) or, more realistically, to make the lives of other people (and cats, otters and wasps) better without seeking anything for myself, does this mean I have a duty not just to dwell in the four immeasurables (compassion, loving kindness, sympathetic joy, equanimity) and apply these ideals to situations and people as and when I encounter them, but also to actively reorient my life so that I get involved in beneficial activities such as volunteering or teaching dharma or even retraining to be a doctor?

...because that's all rather against my 'nature'. As a studious introvert, when I think about walking the Buddhist path I am naturally drawn towards adorning my own life by studying the languages of the Buddhist canon, maybe doing a PhD in Buddhist studies, memorizing and chanting sutras, practicing Zen calligraphy or blowing the shakuhachi - all things which can be safely done with minimal or no encounter with other people, and which certainly don't obviously directly benefit others - though indirectly if they lead me towards a more enlightened state then through my (minimal) encounter with others their benefits will manifest.

But of course even these activities are not necessary to practicing Buddhism, they are just potentials that appear on my horizon, and on the contrary they may simply be a case of enchantment with the beautiful grain of the raft while losing sight of the farther shore.

If I believed that my studying classical Chinese, for example, could really help other people (!!!) then my natural interest in the subject would be in alignment with the Boddhisattva ideal and there would be no conflict. As it is, I am drawn to the subject, but believe it to be fairly useless, and I know that this awareness will gradually undermine my motivation to study the language. But at the same time unless I am able to radically alter my introvert nature, I shall not be helping the needy in the meantime. Not doing what I want because I don't feel that I ought, not doing what I ought because I don't feel that I want to, I end up doing nothing.

But at least this gives me more time to sit in my garden and enjoy the trees.